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My Show with a Hollywood Pitch.
The Pitch is everything in Hollywood. Thank goodness I'm in Illinois.

Lost Scene from "The Empire Strikes Back".
Vader had lots more to say to Luke than just that "I'm your Father" stuff.

Star Trek: Voyager Plot Generator.
Randomly computer generate a Voyager Story.

Sexy Cartoon Babes!
It certainly ain't no Smurfs.

The Diary of
Grand Moff Tarkin.

But who is Lauren?

Differences between Network Executives and Science-Fiction Fans.
If you don't laugh, you're not a Sci-Fi Fan.

The Day I Whacked too many Ewoks.
What the Hell?

You know you're an American Doctor Who Fan when...
Things are different if you're British.

The Sci-Fi Hokey Pokey.
That's what it's all about.

Robert Beltran Gripe Generator.
Now you too can bitch like Robert Beltran.







The Day I whacked too many Ewoks.

By Richard Whettestone.

Ewoks

Everybody knows what an Ewok is. The ultimate Marketing ploy. Their names were never spoken in any Star Wars Movie. They were referred to only as them, they, and those creatures, yet we all know what they are. Bouncy creatures of huggable love - MY ASS!!!

They're furry little marketing gimmicks created by a genius on the virge of collapse. The ultimate sell-out, they were a clear example of the horror of what was to come: Howard the Duck. Willow. Radioland Murders. Jar Jar Binks. Even Hitler liked puppies, but that didn't justify the evil mistakes these two men made to mankind.

Ewoks are a representation of the watered down dumbness us fans were talked down with. Sure, I liked them. I thought they were cute. I bought the Action Figures. But that didn't change the facts that they wiped out the entire Imperial Army by throwing rocks. They drop a log and an At-At explodes. The Stormtroopers let loose Mass Drivers on the whole planet and only one Ewok seems to have been kicked off. And even then, it was probably just too many berries he ate before the attack had even begun. Maybe if more Stormtroopers won and more Ewoks died, we would have loved them more. Everybody likes people who fight and lose. Nobody likes people who can beat an Empire with pebbles. Where's the courage? Where's the bravery? Where's the obstacles to overcome?


Whack An Ewok
"Whack An Ewok"

In the past, we've seen the Empire strike monstrous blows against the Rebellion and those that stood in their way. They slaughtered Jawas just to track down some Droids. They dispatched Bounty Hunters to capture people who just happened to be friends of Luke Skywalker. They took over Bespin for the hell of it. The Stormtroopers toasted Luke's home. They burned Aunt Beru's corpse. Uncle Owen, too. They destroyed Princess Leia's entire home planet just to screw with her. So what did they do to the Ewoks? NOTHING! Where were those scenes of Stormtroopers setting fire to the massive trees they lived in? You mean, all this time with ScoutWalkers, Biker Scouts, Speeder Bikes, Shield Generators, and at least one At-At roming around, they never did anything? You set fire to the base and that tree's going up fast. Can you imagine Ewoks trying to put out a forest fire? I can't either, therefore, they'd lose. Imagine an At-At, or even several, crouching their forward legs down in front of the forest wall and start blasting at the bases of all the trees to clear an area just to walk through? Just the mere thought of an At-At crouching down to get a better aim is an incredible image.


R2-D2
R2-D2 had a better view
strapped to the back of an X-Wing.

Through a great Website called The Force.net (Cool Site featuring up-to-date Star Wars news) I found a link to Popcorn.co.uk, a Website devoted to Movies and Cinema. In August 2000, they had a Game on the Website called "Whack An Ewok". The Premise: Whack as many Ewoks as you can, and if you make it into the top 200 high Scores, you win a VHS copy of Star Wars: The Phantom Menace. The directions were simple: You whack an Ewok. You get a Point. You accidently whack Leia, 3PO or R2, you lose a point. Simple Rule: Don't hit Carrie. I can understand that.


R2-D2 Princess Leia C-3PO
The ones to stay away from.


Line'em all up. I'll whack'em all. I don't care!

Wicket Logray Tinky Winky Dipsy Laa-Laa
The Usual Suspects: Wicket W. Warrick, Logray the Ewok Medicine Man,
Tinky Winky, Dipsy and Laa-Laa.

Why is it that the others look shocked or angry, while Wicket has a smile?
He's up to something, I tell you.


To further screw with you, the characters pop up randomly, so you often see the same characters two or even three times on the same screen. Three Carrie Fishers? A Fanboy's dream come true. We'll ignore the fact that she's wearing the first movie's outfit.


The Clone Wars?
The Clone Wars?

Sounds good, doesn't it? An Internet contest based on your Game Playing skill instead of a random drawing. And because they took the Top 200 Scores instead of just the Top 5, you had a good chance of winning even against those people who are far better than you.


Look out, Carrie!
Look out, Carrie!

By the time I had found the Game, it was up in one week. So, I wasted two days to try to download the troublesome Shockwave to play it. Shockwave on my Netscape Navigator refused to confirm the score when I tried to submit my entries. My Internet Explorer worked just fine (I use both Browsers on the Internet. They have different strengths).

I submitted my entry (14 Ewoks whacked), and it said I needed at least 36 Ewoks beaten with my black gloved hand before I could reach the top 200. Okay, so I did. Bingo. 36 whacked Ewoks. Now I'm in the top 200. So I kept going.


Whacking another Ewok.
Die, you Mother!

Whack! Now I have a score of 39 bruised Ewoks at my feet. Again in the top 200. Whack! And once again another 39 aching Ewoks delirious with wanderment as to what hit them. And once again back in the top 200 high scores. Sure, you're only allowed one winning entry in the top 200, but why stop there? Whack! Ooh, 37 downed Ewoks. They were sinking faster than the Titanic. Only this time Leonardo DiCaprio wasn't there to draw your naked picture.


Ewok going out.
Him Again? Whack!

Enough people got high enough scores that they knocked my 36 pointer out of the running, then later my 37 pointer. But Whack! Jackpot! 41 slapped-happy Ewoks wandering around more confused than Margo Kidder and Anne Heche combined. If you needed 38 to even get into the top 200, and I had two 39's and a 41, that tape was mine.

So I kept going.


The Devil
The Little F*cker!
He taunts me with every breathe he takes.

Wicket gets Slapped
Die, you Furry F*ck!

By the time I was done, I had Eleven of the Top 200 High Scores.

One problem. I wasn't British. Ooops. You see, you needed to live in the United Kingdom to be eligible to win the tape (as stated in the Rules). So here I was with 11 of the top 200 high scores, and I was disqualified because I lived in a country where people drink coffee out of Mugs instead of "Beakers". Bastards!

I felt I had watched enough Doctor Who episodes in my life to qualify me as British, but they didn't and refused to send me the tape(s). Damn them! Damn their Coronation Street! Damn their "Beeb"! Damn their BlackAdder! Damn their Spice Girls! The Fact that I even know who Robert Hardy is should qualify me for an award.

Oh well, I guess that's how the crumpet crumbles.


Game Over, Man, Game Over
The Force may have been strong with me,
but I wasn't British so I didn't count.

HooRah!
The way it should have been.

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