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Episode Reviews
1-2- Broken Bow
3- Fight or Flight
4- Strange New World
5- Unexpected
6- Terra Nova
7- The Andorian Incident
8- Breaking the Ice
9- Civilization
10- Fortunate Son
11- Cold Front
12- Silent Enemy
13- Dear Doctor
14- Sleeping Dogs
15- Shadows of P'Jem
16- Shuttlepod One
17- Fusion
18- Rogue Planet
19- Acquisition
20- Oasis
21- Detained
22- Vox Sola
23- Fallen Hero
24- Desert Crossing
25- 2 Days & 2 Nights
26- Shockwave 1
27- Shockwave 2
28- Carbon Creek
29- Mine Field
30- Dead Stop
31- A Night in Sickbay
32- Marauders
33- The Seventh
34- The Communicator
35- Singularity
36- Vanishing Point
37- Precious Cargo
38- The Catwalk
39- Dawn
40- Stigma
41- Cease Fire
42- Future Tense
43- Canamar
44- The Crossing
45- Judgment
46- Horizon
47- The Breach
48- Cogenitor
49- Regeneration
50- First Flight
51- Bounty
52- The Expanse
53- The Xindi
54- Anomaly
55- Extinction
56- Rajiin
57- Impulse
58- Exile
59- The Shipment
60- Twilight
61- North Star
62- Similitude
63- Carpenter Street
64- Chosen Realm
65- Proving Ground
66- Stratagem
67- Harbinger
68- Doctors Orders
69- Hatchery
70 - Azati Prime
71 - Damage
72- The Forgotten
73 - E2
74 - The Council
75- Countdown
76- Zero Hour
77- Storm Front 1
78- Storm Front 2
79- Home
80- Borderland
81- C-12
82- The Augments
83- The Forge
84- Awakening
85- Kir'Shara
86- Daedalus
87- Observer Effect
88- Babel One
89- United
90- The Aeanar
91- Affliction
92- Divergence
93- Bound
94- In a Mirror Darkly Pt 1
95- In a Mirror Darkly Pt 2
96- Demons
97- Terra Prime
98- Trip Dies in Riker's Holodeck!

Enterprise Characters
Breakdown of who's who.

Enterprise Actors
Breakdown of who's ugly.

Star Trek History
Quick summary of what came before.

Detachable Saucer
Classify this under "What If?"

What other people think.

Voyager "Endgame" Review
Their last episode. Our first review.

Enterprise review: "Borderland".
(Episode 80)

Reviewed by Richard Whettestone.

THE PREMISE: Data's great grand-daddy raises relatives of Kirk's great enemy, and Captain Archer must use one to get the other to raise the show's ratings.

Written by Ken Lazebnik


Padding? Oh, you mean like what Hoshi does to her bra?

Does anyone want to tell me why it took EIGHTY F*CKING EPISODES for them to finally get to ONE episode that didn't suck non-stop? And it's written by some guy I never heard of?

Although this episode is nothing to worship. Does anybody know why it's so full of padding to stall the hour? Not that it was bad, but it was still padding. One/third of the episode kept cutting to a bunch of guest-stars we never saw before have a power struggle that's irrevelent to us. One of them never encounters the Enterprise at all. The Enterprise crew only interacts with the others in the last three minutes. I'm sure a lot of people would disagree, but I'd much rather have watched those ten minutes of Starfleet hearing about the Klingons being pissed, or another Klingon ship finding the bodies. Or Archer being informed of this. Or more scenes of the Enterprise preparing to launch. But ten minutes of a guest-star having a power struggle with another guest-star, for TEN MINUTES?

Green Chick from TOS

Then the middle half of the episode is also a self-contained alien-of-the-week story based on ruining the Orions and violating common sense, production wise AND story-wise. What the f*ck kind of Star Trek prequal goes through all this trouble of featuring the first Orion Animal Woman since 1960whatever, and shows only one of them - once. At a distance. Behind a balcony? We got years and years and years of decon paste orgies, but the ONE TIME it MADE SENSE to show some sexualness with a character, and we have to squint to even see if it was a girl? They gave the pig guy 20 times more close-up shots than they gave distant shots to the Green Chick. Yeah, the humor and action was good, but it doesn't explain why these production people are this stupid. The Directors? The Editors? Anyone?

If this is how their "story-arcs" are going to play out, they still have a lot to learn. It looks like they're taking a one-hour story and telling ten minutes at a time of it padded and stretched over the course of three episodes with detours and side-adventures. Next week we might get twenty minutes of "story-arc". Can't wait to see what that Vulcan three-parter has planned for their two hours of aliens-of-the-weeks padding.

Tucker You want warp speed in five minutes or we're all dead? You should consider yourself lucky I installed your new Captain's Chair. You get quarter impulse until I'm good and ready.

Here's a clue. You don't travel at warp speed inside a solar system. Why? Because it's too dangerous. Even Kirk was considered wreckless when he used quarter impulse instead of thrusters to leave drydock in one of the movies. When the Borg wiped out Starfleet at Wolf 359 and entered Earth's solar system, even they dropped out of warp to do it. And when the Enterprise-D chased after them to save humanity, even they dropped to impulse when entering the solar system.

But then there's this show. Literally one second after leaving drydock, the Enterprise jumps to warp speed in the same shot. They didn't even wait until they passed the moon. They jumped to warp and the moon was ahead of them.

Archer They abducted our crewmembers? We must pursue! Quick! Warp Five! What? They took T'Pol too? Full impulse, Ensign.

And as soon as Archer finds out members of his crew were beamed off the ship, Archer...

... sat on his ass and did nothing. Then he went and had some tea with Dr. Soong.

Mayweather Slave market? Uhm, I'll be in the car. But hey, lots of luck rescuing T'Pol, though.

Okay, let's count some of the many things wrong with this.

First, who just runs around and makes slaves of anybody they catch? They'd be pissing off every alien race they encountered. We're not talking about abducting tribal people. We're talking about snatching randomly trained crewmembers from technologically advanced starships of races that control large parts of space. I mean, really. To auction off a Vulcan, do you think the Vulcans will just sit back and let that go? And all the rest, too? The types of people who were bidding looked more like slaves. Logically, it just doesn't make any sense. And knowing that this slave market was happening on the edge of Klingon space, and knowing that Klingons don't allow themselves to be taken prisoner, that isn't even mentioned? If "Enterprise" is trying to establish that the Orions are kidnapping people and selling them, the Federation would have stopped it by Kirk's time. Remember, in the original pilot "The Cage" Dr. Boyce asked Captain Pike if he wanted to go into that field. Dr. Boyce certainly wasn't asking the Captain of the Federation's flagship to start kidnapping people and turning them into slaves. But now "Enterprise" is saying that's exactly what that scene was about.

Secondly, up to now we know two things about the Orions. We know they have "animal women" that were sold. And we know the Orions are smugglers. Nobody ever said the Orions themselves were the green people. In fact, it makes more sense for them NOT to be. Thus, "Enterprise".

Green Chick from TOS

Third, who slaves themselves? And we're not talking about different colored people. In this case, they were ALL green.

Fourth, how can you control slaves if they're fighting you all the time? Back in the old days of Kunte Kinte, he didn't have anybody who could rescue him. But in these days, a single message to home could bring an armada of warships wanting to liberate their people. Sure, you can buzz them with a droid restraining bolt like that thing that was glued on T'Pol's cheek, but of the only two Orion animal women we've seen up to now, neither of them were restrained like that. Those women weren't really slaves. They were just slutty. And obviously the Orions don't have the power to defend themselves against a vengeful fleet, or they'd have an easier time selling their services and technology, not kidnapping technologically advanced people who can phaser you.

And fifth, how can you have any kind of business set up where you need to grant passwords to people like Dr. Soong if you can just grab him at random and sell him as a slave? Why bother working a deal and selling him goods like he said they did? Again, just kidnap him, take his ship, and sell him off. This is why the whole idea of a long-term business based on kidnapped victims who don't give you enough problems that you can manage them, get past every race you honk off, etc, is dumb.

Capturing a bunch of poor black Kunte Kinte's from their village of tents, yeah that'll work. They didn't have such things as transporters, tracking devices, warships, phasers, etc. But seriously, you try kidnapping a bunch of people from Seattle Washington and turning it into a public slave business, let's see how long that lasts. This whole thing is just too full of plot holes.


The only thing of value in the whole scene was watching T'Pol jiggle when the guy shook her. And they could have cut the budget by just sticking her on a trampoline. Have Hoshi jumping on there too and you raise your ratings. Have them talking about their first times while jumping, and the episode becomes a fan favorite.

T'Pol And I'll kick you in the nuts too if you don't start watching our show again.

The way this show is done, why did I not see this cheap scene coming?

Archer with gun I have come here to chew bubble gum and to kick ass. And you've seen the movie so you know the rest of the line.

There was a "Blake's 7" episode in the fourth season in which an assassin went after the gang. Avon ended up in a desert camp where the weak and helpless people were being auctioned off as slaves. When Avon went to escape, he even risked everything when he paused to take time to rescue and free an old man, who he took back to the ship with him.

Here we have a prison camp full of slaves trying to escape, and Archer... does nothing.

It's pretty bad when Avon from "Blake's 7" is more of a humanitarian than Captain Archer of the Enterprise. And Avon practically killed his own crew.

Hoshi Well it sounds kind of stupid. It could be extraterrestrial.

The Klingon ship contacts Enterprise. Hoshi tells Archer the "Klingons" wish to board. Now us viewers know it's the Augments. And Archer knows it's the Augments. And you're probably thinking that it makes sense that Hoshi might believe it's Klingons...

Except the Augments are speaking English. And Klingons don't. This is why Hoshi is there to begin with! If Hoshi is hearing english and she knows Klingons don't speak english... then can anyone explain this?

Khan And I'm also Bullit-Proof!!!

How does "five times as strong" translate to "bullit proof" and "phase pistol proof"? When the Augments boarded the Enterprise, at least two of them took hits with Phase Rifles, and kept coming anyway.

How do we take these people as a serious threat when they're played as cartoon characters. Beating people up, yeah. Shot with a phaser and just brushes it off, that's just stupid.

Future Guy My name is Khan. I am from the future. I have engineered you just as I myself was once engineered. Now do my bidding.

Does anybody find it stupid that "Enterprise" spent all that time with the Temporal Cold War dealing with the genetically engineered Suliban. And then after "concluding" the so-called "story-arc" because the writers couldn't think of anything to do with it, they go just one regular episode before doing this three episode story with (Surprise!) genetically engineered people?

T'Pol Do we have our Playskool film loaded in the camera yet?

Everybody kept hyping the film quality of the new cameras. It looked fine to me too, until the Khan guy grabbed Archer and had a standoff with Reed at the end of the episode. Then suddenly it started looking like it was filmed with a camcorder. Did anybody else notice that or get that feeling? George Lucas used these cameras on "Attack of the Clones". These same Sony digital cameras had been used since the fourth season of "Earth: Final Conflict". Yet suddenly during this one scene, the film quality got cheesy? Why?

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