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Voyager "Endgame" Review
Their last episode. Our first review.









Enterprise review: "North Star".
(Episode 61)

Reviewed by Richard Whettestone.
Enterprise

THE PREMISE: Voyager's ''The 37's'', except with cowboys. God I miss ''Firefly''.

"North Star"
Written by David Straiton


Brannon Braga I think we'll open the episode with a good old-fashioned linching. It's the best way to honor and remember those brave pioneers of human exploration.

A lot of people have a problem with the opening credits sequence, for differing reasons. The pop song. The lack of Russian acknowledgement. Etc. But while I like the theme visually portrayed in the opening (but not the theme song), it doesn't fit with this crappy show. And this episode is yet another example. Just 10 seconds before they start cycling through various shots of Amelia Earhart and Astronauts, the first NASA space shuttle and rocket launches, what do we see? A cowboy being linched and killed, hanged to death from a tree.

This made a bad opening for any episode, and certainly didn't fit with the opening credits sequence, which didn't fit with this series anyway.

Why not show real cowboys in the 1800's when the aliens arrive and abduct them? Right off the bat it would have shed some light on how they got here, which was already thrown out into the public domain anyway not only by Paramount's sucky security and the Enterprise writers shamelessly promoting themselves, but the episode's very own previews as well. So there was no suspense that could have been salvaged anyway without firing Paramount's advertising department, changing their whole security procedure, and firing their writers. All of which should be done. While at the same time revealing this abduction sequence as the opening would have raised enough questions to still keep the suspense up.


Reed Parallel Earth? You mean Parallel like out ratings are parallel to the ground?

This episode was promoted by the writers as a ''parallel'' Earth story on the internet, then the UPN previews used these same words. What's the point? There was no reason to do a parallel Earth story for this episode. You want a parallel Earth story when you NEED one to pull a specific story off. Not just to do a cowboy themed gimmick episode for a ratings stunt. It didn't fit in the Expanse.


Tucker It's incredible Captain. These humans were kidnapped from the same time period as cowboys. But while our cowboys evolved and advanced their technology to become us, these humans remained cowboys hundreds of years later. God these humans are stupid.

Whatever.


Xindi Then once we hunt down the humans, we'll help Gargamel hunt down those wretched Smurfs.

You mean the Xindi hate humans SOOOOOO much, that they're trying to blow up Earth and ended up hunting down and destroying every human colony just last week in an alternate timeline, yet here they have a human colony right on their doorstep, and managed to overlook them for hundreds of years?

It's the equivelant of the human race wanting to destroy all the Klingons in the entire galactic quadrant, only to overlook that Klingon colony in New Hampshire.


Transporter I haven't used a transporter since college when the frat boys beamed away my clothes.

Since the Transporter on Enterprise is rarely used, it's not a permenantly manned-station. Yet within seconds after Archer asks to be beamed up, he is beamed up.

Then we're further reminded that this prequel sucks, when Archer gets transported up faster and in a more advanced fashion than the way the transporters operate in Kirk's time.


Terra Nova colony Shale! It's all shale!

The aliens colonise different worlds, and abduct humans from Earth as slaves to build those colonies. Yet after hundreds of years of non-contact, neither the alien home planet nor the other alien colonies manage to send a ship to find out why they lost contact with them.

And you thought Earth not bothering to investigate what happened to the Terra Nova colony was really really stupid. This is just as stupid.


Reed Well obviously they're aliens. They have a funny accent and a distinguished nose. It's not ambiguous to me. Maybe.

What's the point of trying to do a story about humans and aliens having a conflict with eachother, if limited make-up and dark mood-lighting is just going to make all the aliens look just like humans anyway? Viewers have to look really close every time a new alien is introduced to try to figure out if he even is an alien or just another rogue evil Sheriff's Deputy.


Mayweather Was I fired and nobody told me?

Besides the obvious question of ''Hey, where's the black guy?'', why weren't there any black cowboys on the planet? And since these cowboys were just abducted decades after slavery had ended and are now trying to keep the aliens into a slavery-like existance, those scenes write themselves.

There were a lot of similar scenes in the final two ''Planet of the Apes'' movies, where Ceaser (Roddy McDowell) had similar discussions with the two different leading black men in films 4 and 5, the black man in movie 5 being the younger brother of the black man in movie 4. Film 4 dealt with the Ape uprising from the human masters, and film 5 dealt with the humans finally getting equality with the Apes after being kept down after the uprising. The themes are close, and if done right (meaning it would have to be written by other writers), it would have worked here fairly well.


Jack Bauer from 24 If I had the fast-forward option on my show, I could do 24 hours in only 21 episodes.

And AGAIN with the fast forward button in the editing booth? So now we get little snippets of scenes of Reed duck and rolling like he's Barry Allen or Wally West.

Like that stupid wobbily camera Steven Bochco over-used on all his shows in the early 1990's, this gimmick already looks silly now, let alone a decade from now. ''The Ice Pirates'' will still ALWAYS come to mind every time they try this stunt.


T'Pol I knew I was stunning but this isn't what I meant.

When T'Pol is taken hostage, Reed stuns her first, then stuns the cowboy. One problem...

The producers are so obsesed with bringing in new viewers, but new viewers wouldn't know about the stun setting, especially when the Commandos are running around firing cannons that literally punch the targeted humans off balconies. Little kids also wouldn't understand the ''stun'' setting. They only know what they SEE.

And because of lousy writing and bad producing, they did NOT see T'Pol alive again in the final scenes. She was shot straight in the chest and collapsed, and we never saw her again. How are these heavily desired new viewers supposed to understand she's still alive? How are little children supposed to understand Reed didn't just kill her and smirk like it looks like he did?


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