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Enterprise review: "Rajiin".
(Episode 56)
Reviewed by Richard Whettestone.
THE PREMISE: The Xindi make their seventeenth threat to attack. Archer takes up pimping. The crew get horny. Galaxy Quest aliens attack the ship. The Xindi make their eighteenth threat to attack. Meanwhile, ''Smallville'' premieres its third season on WB.
"Rajiin"
Teleplay by Brent V. Friedman and Chris Black
Story by Paul Brown and Brent V. Friedman
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Hey! The Xindi making threats get more screen time than I do. What's going on here?
And once again we're back to pointless scenes of the Xindi making shallow threats to "attack". Stuff like "We'll attack them ourselves" or "We won't wait any longer" or "I would have gotten away with it too if it wasn't for you and that pesky dog."
Until these guys actually pull the trigger, shoot Archer or T'Pol in the head and drop them dead to the floor, it's all talk. And since we know they won't attack Earth, where exactly our we suppose to go from here?
Yeah, they attacked the ship in this episode, but then they stopped and left. I'll rephrase it for you Enterprise fanatics: The Xindi attacked and boarded the Enterprise, had the crew beaten down, then LEAVE with a woman who has information that would allow the Xindi to attack the ship and have the crew beaten down. They've got to be dumb or something.
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Ooh, yeah, rubbing my jaw feels so good. Ooh, yeah, eating that peach tastes so good. Ooh, yeah, pretending that sexual tension exists to falsely jack up the low ratings feels so good.
With previous foot massage-orgies written by Berman and Braga, and this episode written by other people, it's pretty clear that the entire writing staff pretty much sucks with trying to create honest sexual tension. The only constant throughout the episodes' various scenes is the two actors. And they ain't relaying that feeling across to the viewers either.
Sexual Tension Watch: Kirk Cameron and his wife Chelsea Noble on episodes of "Growing Pains" and "Kirk". These were family sitcoms and yet they still did the sexual tension better. While on "Enterprise" Tucker and T'Pol has already past the point of "tedious", so put your clothes back on and put the peaches away. You've already had four chances and blew every one.
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Oh, I'm so emotionally distraught, I really need to be laid. T'Pol? T'Pol? Where did you go?
Yeah, Tucker's so emotionally distraught over his sister's death. But come on! Due to Enterprise's time-skipping adventures, he's been distraught for like, a half a year already. It took you five months just to get to Xindi space. Go to sleep already.
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My records indicate that when we left Earth, Lt. Reed was the only crewmember onboard with VD. Now you have it, too. Care to explain?
So what was up with Archer being sick? Was that suppose to be a side-effect of last week's mutation Archer went through? Because Archer mentioned he had a dream of the alien city again. But then Hoshi and Reed seemed to be just fine, as neither were complaining of being mutated OR having dreams of the city.
Was it suppose to be a side-effect of the spacial anomalies? Because in the same conversation, Phlox said Ensign Cutler broke her arm because of them.
Look, continuity is one thing, and is desired by the audience. But not making clear what Archer was experiencing, only to confuse matters worse by talking about the anomalies causing physical and health problems, is a clear example of bad writing. What was the point of all of those scenes if you're going to be confusing with the continuity by swaying back and forth between explaining two different possible causes?
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It's the most original design we ever stole!
Can't these guys come up with anything original? They already stole the Breen design from the Star Wars alien bounty hunter Boush. But who do we have here? The Enterprise gets attacked and boarded by Galaxy Quest aliens. All they did was take a Babylon 5 Drazi, and stick the Galaxy Quest aliens' dangly things on the top of their heads.
Could Lucasfilm or JMS or Tim Allen or somebody please sue the asses off of Berman and Braga? They're not only destroying the memory of Star Trek, but they're destroying the memories of all the other science-fiction series and movies, too. What's next? Suliban Dalek War Machines? Fire Michael Westmore, too. He ran out of steam back in the Voyager days.
Do I need to point out to you that Gene Roddenberry's original ideas for Star Trek included aliens with tails? Do you really need to recycle or steal others' aliens when you haven't even implemented Roddenberry's ideas from a 1964 writer's bible yet?
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And if you ever bring onboard some hookers, I have a device in my quarters from the future that will replicate an endless supply of clothes for them.
I'm not going to mention how Rajiin managed to scrounge up a supply of scantily-clad dresses while onboard Enterprise.
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Fire burns wood! Wood floats on water! Water puts out fire! Grrrrrr!
And of course, only four episodes into the season, two of those four episodes both began and ended with the Battle Beast Xindis making shallow threats to destroy the ship. The Teaser. And the closing scenes.
If that 50/50 ratio keeps up, that means another 11 episodes to come will open and end with ''West Wing''-type conference room scenes of Cricket Xindi, Tucker Xindi, Furby Xindi, Leech Xindi and Galaxy Quest Xindi making more shallow threats. Give these guys their own spin-off!
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