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23- Fallen Hero
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43- Canamar
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45- Judgment
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48- Cogenitor
49- Regeneration
50- First Flight
51- Bounty
52- The Expanse
53- The Xindi
54- Anomaly
55- Extinction
56- Rajiin
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60- Twilight
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62- Similitude
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64- Chosen Realm
65- Proving Ground
66- Stratagem
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68- Doctors Orders
69- Hatchery
70 - Azati Prime
71 - Damage
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74 - The Council
75- Countdown
76- Zero Hour
77- Storm Front 1
78- Storm Front 2
79- Home
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81- C-12
82- The Augments
83- The Forge
84- Awakening
85- Kir'Shara
86- Daedalus
87- Observer Effect
88- Babel One
89- United
90- The Aeanar
91- Affliction
92- Divergence
93- Bound
94- In a Mirror Darkly Pt 1
95- In a Mirror Darkly Pt 2
96- Demons
97- Terra Prime
98- Trip Dies in Riker's Holodeck!

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Detachable Saucer
Classify this under "What If?"

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Voyager "Endgame" Review
Their last episode. Our first review.









Enterprise review: "The Expanse".
(Episode 52)

Reviewed by Richard Whettestone.
Enterprise

THE PREMISE: In a last ditch effort to get ratings so they don't get fired, B&B take a bunch of stuff that they should have been doing for some time now and shove it all into a 43 minute episode.

"The Expanse"
Written by Rick Berman & Brannon Braga
(the usual suspects)



star Gold Star Bonus? The Jury is in deliberation on that one.


Remember that song where Paula Abdul would dance with that cartoon guy? The lyrics were "You take two steps forward and I take two steps back". Well, that's what we ended up with. Every step forward B&B did, they destroyed the massive potential of it by taking two steps back.

Like the Borg episode, this SHOULD have been among the BEST episodes of the series, or rather, among the best EpisodeSSSSS, but after wasting two years of plodding along with aliens-of-the-weeks that were DESIGNED to be forgotten, suddenly they take actual "content" and rush through it at mega-speed, making any dramatic impact merely a footnote, and then they expect this to mean something to us?

Babylon 5 Shadow vessel

It took three years of political movements in the background before the Shadows started attacking openly on "Babylon 5", but here the Xindi show up out of no-where, attack Earth, the Enterprise returns to Earth, we find out who the Xindi are, where they are, upgrade the ship, get some army men (off screen), then make the five month journey to Xindi space to knock on their front door. All under 43 minutes. And this is suppose to be a good thing?

It's certainly different. But so far it's not better.


Tucker I don't know what's worst! My sister dying or the fact that she was storing in her basement my entire TV Guide collection with issues dating back to 1987! It's all gone!!! Including the Fall Preview issues!

Before I go into any reviews of this episode, let's first and foremost mention that Paramount seriously needs to reconsider its security. And that INCLUDES Beavis and Butthead.

Any dramatic or shocking aspect of value of this episode was thrown away weeks to months prior to its broadcast via the internet leaks. But more importantly, B&B were so obsessed with self-promoting themselves and desperate to get viewers who gave up to give it a second look, that they themselves leaked tons of the details in their TV Guide article. T'Pol deciding not to leave, Tucker's revenge, the upgrading of the Torpedoes, the bad news about the gory evils of the Expanse, it was all in the TV Guide article.

The two most important impressions you get from something is the first and last. Well, we can throw that out the window too, because the first scene and the last scene were also given away in B&B's TV Guide article - including Archer's own closing sentence!


T'Pol My God Captain, I haven't seen anything so expansive since my vagina my first year of High School.

And also before we get into the reviews, let's once again mention that the titles suck. In "The Breach", the breach occurred off screen. In "Dead Stop", the dead stop was over after the first two minutes. In "Fallen Hero", there was no fallen hero. In "Canamar", they never even made it to Canamar. Etc, etc, etc. So this episode is titled "The Expanse". And where do we see the Expanse? In the last 3 seconds.

You remember the last 3 seconds, don't you? They were the 3 seconds with Rick Berman and Brannon Braga's name over it.


Daniels And before I leave, I strongly encourage you to buy stock in Florida bridge-building companies. People on one side will need to get to the other.

Archer disappears in "Shockwave" Part 1 and destroys the future of both Daniels AND Future Guy (and let's not forget it was never really explained who transported Archer to Daniels' time period anyway). But now an alien probe kills 7 million Earthers and digs a new trench, and not only does Daniels not even show up, but Future Guy is just fine as well. He even gives Archer helpful cooking tips for crockware.


Soval Well of course I'm not too concerned. Florida will now be known as East and West Florida. The Xindi attack just increased the number of states in your nation by 2 percent. Quit whining.

Five months to get to Xindi space at Warp 5, how the hell did that poor pilot manage to not go insane in that little Pod.


Picard It's okay, because my First Officer on the Stargazer was from West Florida, so there's no continuity violation here.

And after the Xindi pilot managed to drive 5 months in a sphere to get to Earth, half his shots miss and dig through the ocean. The idiot couldn't even hit a continent. I'm not too worried.


Earth And the Xindi weapon was so devastating, it managed to dig a trench so deep into the Earth that the Ocean's waters rushed in to fill the gap, creating two new rivers in Florida and Cuba.

Oh, wait, that didn't happen. That trench was completely dry. Not bad for a state 85% surrounded by water. Never mind.


Admiral Forrest It's a good thing the Xindi decided not to blow up our sun into a Supernova. That really would have been bad for us. I don't have sunblock that powerful.

And the Xindi create weapons so devastating, they decide to give the enemy some forewarning by launching the crappy proto-types at them.


Admiral Forrest Well if they're going to send their crappy proto-types after us, then we'll send our crappy proto-types after them. Archer, get out there and kick their ass! And take some Vulcans with you.

At least play up the intelligence for the viewers and the options for the characters by having the Vulcans tag along as an escort. We could have had the Vulcans show Archer how to not self-destruct the new Photon Torpedoes in the launch tube, had a much more cooler space battle with the Klingons (Remember kids, we still have NEVER seen the Vulcans engage in a space battle - EVER!). But it would have given Enterprise an emergency escape plan if they could flee from the Expanse to the safety of the scaredy-cat Vulcans waiting outside at the door.

Vulcans MUST have gotten killed in that attack. AND the Vulcans want to "watch over" and "monitor" the humans, so it makes sense. They were after all dogging the Enterprise in a bunch of early episodes. The idea that the Vulcans are just going to brush this whole thing off and let Archer go without demanding to be a player just doesn't make sense. It doesn't make sense with the Vulcan's logic, nor does it make sense with the B&B NEW-Vulcan attitude of being overbearing meanies. The LACK of Vulcans tagging along doesn't make sense in any Trek.

You want Ratings? Have Enterprise head up a FLEET of Vulcan starships and Starfleet battle ships like those that scared away the Klingons, and THEN you have something worth watching. Remember the later episodes of "Space: Above and Beyond" when the Saratoga started traveling as one ship in the fleet? Those were the best episodes of the series.


Admiral Forrest My God! They wiped out Starfleet Command! If it wasn't for the fact that I was in the arctic heading up the clean-up of the Borg crash site, I myself would have been killed. On the plus side, I just got promoted.

And if Beavis and Butthead had done ANY pre-planning at all, they could have based Starfleet Command out of Florida from Day One, then have it wiped out here, and show many examples of how and why things are the way they are in the future of Trek.

But like the design of the ship where they got it exactly right on the first try, Transporters already work, Photon Torpedoes already exist, and Starfleet Command is already in San Francisco.

What's the point of doing a prequal if you're only going to "invent" or "discover" everything Kirk has, and not show an alternate take on things with true good unexpected plot twists that reveal the creation of the world we now know on Trek. Reed inventing energy shields is dumb. Starfleet Command moving from a devastated Florida to San Francisco had VALUE in a prequal.


Archer I got drunk and laid three times on those Florida beaches. I shall miss them.

Yeah, Starfleet is based in Hollywood or some weird California city. But wasn't there a bunch of NASA stuff in Florida? You nuked a line across the Florida landscape, and not one word is mentioned about if any of that stuff was taken out or not?


Future Guy What time distortions? Where? When? It doesn't matter. Braga says continuity isn't important and you're all twelve anyway.

Yeap. It's true. Silik takes Archer into the Temporal Chamber to see Future Guy, and suddenly the time distortions are now all gone.

Remember in the pilot when Archer used the time distortions to his own advantage to outwit Silik? And remember how the writers change all established history and facts to suit whatever current script's need they happen to have this week based on whichever way the wind blows?


Reed Even our Ratings are inverted!

We heard the story. A Klingon ship went into the Expanse and all the Klingons got turned inverted inside out and were still alive. We even read about this in the TV Guide article. But did we see it? No.

What DID we see though? We saw a pointless scene of a bunch of college-theatre actors wearing pointy ears while they grab at eachother and scream. That wasn't scary. That was just stupid.

I want to see the inverted Klingons!


Archer Future Guy also told me that Mandy the Assassin would return in the second season finale of '24'.

Archer said to Admiral Forrest and Soval that because Future Guy told him the Vulcans wouldn't believe him, that was the proof he needed to know he was telling the truth about the Xindi and the stuff about the future.

Any viewer who had seen any one single episode of the new B&B-style Vulcans could tell you before the episode even aired that the Vulcans wouldn't believe it. Get back to me when you have some writers that can write scenes with purpose.


Archer I thought I could make Travis the new Science Officer to give him some screen time. How hard could it be?

On their way to drop off T'Pol at the Vulcan homeworld, Archer reveals to Tucker that he had not yet decided who he was going to select as the new Science Officer to replace her.

Uhm, shouldn't you have had that decision made before you left spacedock?


Admiral Forrest Our research and investigation into the debris of the Space Pod was incredibly thorough.

Oh, wait. No it wasn't. Because it took the Captain of our returning proto-type starship only minutes of wandering through the room to reach under the burnt metal and pull out the high-tech piece of technology from the future, while our own research team, as well as that of the Vulcans, managed to overlook it after weeks and weeks of investigations.


Archer What? Duras is after me again? Mister Reed, set the Photon Torpedo yield on "smack". Because I want to smack my bitch up.

Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't recall Kirk ever having the option of adjusting the yield on Photon Torpedoes.

Maybe I'm wrong, but I seem to specifically recall in the early days of TNG that the ability to adjust Torpedo yields to precise percentages was something quite new to Picard. Along with the new "site-to-site" transports, these were the new technologies that were being used to promote the surroundings of a whole new generation to TOS fans.

B&B are stupid and they're throwing it all away again. They're not building up to the technology Kirk would have, they're bypassing it (except the occasional name-dropping) and building up their technology to Picard's level.

And the saddest thing is, they're supposed to be building up the technology to the level of Captain Pike from "The Cage", one of many episodes that Braga prides himself on not having ever seen. I really would like to know how many of the "Enterprise" Producers and Writers have even seen "The Cage". Because it SHOULD be one-hundred percent.


Foster Brooks ''Don't laugh. You're next.''

And it was EARTH that destroyed the Xindi homeworld in 400 years. Not the Federation that's based on Earth, but rather individual humans acting on their own in which the Federation apparently would not have needed to be blamed.

I know B&B and "The Powers That Be" wanted to recreate feelings of the 9/11 attack, but they didn't just attack ONE place, they attacked four. And one report was that if it wasn't for the entire world closing down their airlines, Taliban in England was preparing to board british airplanes to crash them into Big Ben as the fifth target. Not only would a similar attack on the Vulcan homeworld have stirred things up for ALL the players, but it would have been more in line with the theme they were trying to copy.

They based the Suliban on the Taliban. They did their "Taliban-in-prison" story with "Detained". So why did they stop now?

A simul-attack on the Vulcans would have also replaced the stupid question of "Why did Earth bypass the Federation and blow up the Xindi planet" to the more logical and thought-provoking "Why did the Federation order the destruction of the Xindi planet."


Keifer from 24 Your ratings suck? Have you tried a ticking clock? I can go to the bathroom to take a pee, cut to a ticking clock just before you go to commercial, and you'll be surprised how suspenseful that thing makes it look.

Us viewers want key events to occur that actually has consequences for future episodes. We're tired of all these episodes that are designed to be forgotten once the credits roll. We want episodes that have VALUE to watch. And they wonder why their ratings are so low.

Well, after a 2-hour pilot and 49 forgettable ones, they finally DO SOMETHING in their 52nd episode. But OOOPS you didn't take full advantage of it. The events in this episode should have been spaced out over several episodes, not to pad it out, but to fill in the stuff you threw away. Chronologically, this 42-minute episode appears to have spanned literally 1/3rd of a year.


Keifer from 24

Someone's put a hit on Senator Palmer? And that hit is Today?!

12:08:31 (Beep)
12:08:32 (Beep)
12:08:33 (Beep)
12:08:34 (Beep)
Cut to Black.


Remember my past reviews where I have repeatedly pointed out how the Producers and Writers are obsessed with making sure the actors don't get good opportunities to emote on camera?

3,000 colonists die? Don't show Admiral Forrest learning of it. Mayweather's dad died? Don't show Travis learning of it. When Archer learned his buddy died, we at least SAW his reaction to it. But now we're back to the same old crap. Earth is attacked? DON'T show Archer learning of it.

Not only should we have seen Archer getting that call from Forrest, but we should have seen Forrest being told of it, too.

How did Tucker react when he first found out his sister WAS in Florida? We'll never know, because they didn't show it. We only saw him angry months after the fact. We also never saw any of his family.


Keifer from 24

There's a Nuclear Bomb about to go off in L.A.? Christ! How fast do they let you go on the Freeway?

9:13:03 (Beep)
9:13:04 (Beep)
9:13:05 (Beep)
9:13:06 (Beep)
Cut to Black.


Besides not seeing Tucker deal with his grieving family, or ANY of his family members, we didn't get to see ANY family of ANY of the Enterprise crew. Reed's parents or sister. Hoshi's parents. None of them. The first time they've returned to Earth since their launch, and we didn't see a damn thing.

When John Chrichton made it back to Earth on Farscape, he was there for a few episodes. We even saw the impact it made in an additional episode that showed a television program exploring the mysteries of each character more in depth. But here? We get nothing.


Keifer from 24

My daughter's been kidnapped? Again?!?! Screw it. Keep her.

11:59:57 (Beep)
11:59:58 (Beep)
11:59:59 (Beep)
12:00:00 (Beep)
Cut to Black.


We missed the mass memorial for the seven million fallen victims. How do you do such a thing? This would have been INCREDIBLE to show. So what do you do? You don't. Instead it's a throw-away line Tucker says to Reed. And even then, it's a month after the fact.


Keifer from 24

Do I want a Jelly doughnut or a creme filled one? I'll take the creme filled.

7:48:14 (Beep)
7:48:15 (Beep)
7:48:16 (Beep)
7:48:17 (Beep)
Cut to Black.


This whole thing was down-played. Cuba's government wasn't taken out? Florida's government is still stable? No Vulcans were harmed or killed? None of the other aliens on the planet were harmed or killed, such as the other Doctors in the Medical Exchange program? No people ganged up on Archer and the Enterprise crew by blaming them for causing this attack because they provoked an alien race? Starfleet doesn't demand a thorough review of every planet and ship Enterprise ever encountered, to make sure it wasn't any of them? No cultist groups show up to insist Doomsday is near? No mass suicides or religious fanatics? No rush to install a global security system? No investigations to find out how this single probe slipped past the same ships that came to defend Enterprise or the orbiting Vulcan ships?

So much potential. All lost and thrown away.


Keifer from 24

You want me to sign on for "Renegades 2"? Sold!

3:28:44 (Beep)
3:28:45 (Beep)
3:28:46 (Beep)
3:28:47 (Beep)
Cut to Black.


Vulcans on the planet. A Vulcan ship retrieves the Pod out of the ocean. But when the Klingons enter Earth space, not only did no alarms go off, but the Vulcans didn't engage the Klingon ship to defend the returning Enterprise?

We have never seen a Vulcan ship in a battle. Watching the Vulcans take on the Duras ship would have been noteworthy. This is yet another example of how this story SHOULD have been expanded to multiple episodes. Enterprise's return to Earth could have easily been expanded to a full episode alone.

Remember kids, "24" can make a single day fascinating to watch over the course of 24 episodes, but Archer's multi-day return to Earth during a moment of crisis, even while under a Klingon attack that requires the involvement of additional Starfleet ships, is all summed up in 2 minutes.


Keifer from 24

What? Mary-Kate is left handed but Ashley is right handed? Really?

9:01:14 (Beep)
9:01:15 (Beep)
9:01:16 (Beep)
9:01:17 (Beep)
Cut to Black.


T'Pol says the Vulcans retreived the Pod after it crashed in Central Asia. Wouldn't that have been cool to see? The Pod coming in and knocking down some Asian buildings. The locals coming out to investigate. Maybe even a firefight with the surviving pilot. The Vulcan ship in low orbit tractor-beaming it out. Or how about Vulcans on site, surrounded by Asians, digging out the Pod. It would have been cool to see.

That's probably why the Producers didn't show it. Because it would have been cool.


Keifer from 24

Who the hell is Foster Brooks?

6:41:52 (Beep)
6:41:53 (Beep)
6:41:54 (Beep)
6:41:55 (Beep)
Cut to Black.


Tucker The Bottom Line? Is this about our Ratings again? Because you know, they're pretty low.

THE BOTTOM LINE:

Too little?
We'll see next year.

Too late?
YES.

Like Deep Space 9, I shouldn't have to watch a show for years and years and years just for it to get a "plot".

There's those people who would say things like "Give it a chance", or "Give it time to work out their problems", or "It's going to get better." Bullsh*t. One/third of all science-fiction programs ever made are cancelled at 14 episodes or less. Fifty percent of all science-fiction programs are cancelled at 22 episodes or less. Enterprise now has 52. They're well beyond the point of "giving it a little time".

It's dead. The show is dead. It doesn't matter what good episodes MIGHT be produced some day. It doesn't matter if suddenly B&B get their sh*t together and start doing things right (do you actually believe that would happen?). It's well beyond the allowed time period a show should have to get good. It's over. It's all wasted time. Fifty-two episodes produced and only one besides the pilot movie had ANY events of signifigance. It's over.

The only thing we can do is watch from a distance as Paramount loses money, a Network goes belly-up, a franchise dies and two Producers get fired. THAT's the entertainment we'll be getting out of this. Not Enterprise - But the people behind it and how they go down. That's what will be remembered.


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