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Enterprise review: "Precious Cargo".
(Episode 37)

Reviewed by Richard Whettestone.
Enterprise

THE PREMISE: Beavis and Butthead rip-off some more episodes of TOS and TNG, most notably TNG's "The Perfect Mate". The Ratings drop.

"Precious Cargo"
Teleplay by David A. Goodman
Story by Rick Berman & Brannon Braga
(the usual suspects)


Hoshi Sato Yeap, she's an alien all right. She's enunciating every alien word, only to speak casually when speaking English.

Whatever.


T'Pol You have a guest-star to sex up the show? It must be my week off.

And of course, once you get the beautiful woman to guest-star, what do you need to do? You need her to rip off her dress, and get her naked as much as possible, including rolling around in the water.

Afterall, this is a B&B-written story. Ironically, this comes just after the B&B written episode "Vanishing Point" achieved the record lowest rating for "Enterprise" ever. Are you paying attention Paramount?


Archer It looks like you won this battle of the wits, my cunning adversary.

And these two alien stooges managed to kill, distract or otherwise bypass the elite royal guards of the First Monarch of the Galaxy, escape detection from the Monarch's 100 worlds, escape being relocated in a massive search, and they do it all in a rickety old Warp-2 tugboat with no working water and a half-assed rigged stasis-pod.

It looks like we found Archer's Khan.


Tucker Quick, you fight him to the death, while I escape and get help!

Okay. Tucker wants to escape in the Escape Pods. And we can see there is at least two. So why not launch both (or all) of the Escape Pods, knowing that when they are found missing, the alien will have to pause and waste time to investigate and scan each individual Escape Pod?

This also would have slowed down Archer's arrival, adding more suspense and drama as HE is momentarily distracted by the plethora of Escape Pods littering the warp trail. I guess the writers thought the sex scenes was all they needed to carry viewer's interests for this (or any) episode of this show.


T'Pol I thought I was your precious cargo? Didn't you see my Maxim photos?

The one time they get T'Pol out of her catsuit and in proper Vulcan attire - and it's all suppose to be a joke!?!?!?!


Yoda Your Ratings suck, do they not? Sex up the show, you will. Always low, your Ratings will be.

If you're going to rip off something, then at least rip off something good. You already had the Han Solo-Princess Leia thing going between Tucker and his girl. You had the look of C-3PO and R2-D2 in the Blockade Runner Escape Pod when Tucker and his babe climbed in. You already crashed on Dagobah. And you even had an actress that not only was named Padma (close enough), but talked like Queen Padme Amadala, too. Why not have the aliens carry a lightsaber?

After all, these aliens are so powerful, keen, intelligent and sophisticated, they managed to kidnap the First Monarch of over 100 worlds and go undetected up to now. Having one whip out a lightsaber in the docking corridor while Reed and his men figure out how to take him down would have been beyond cool. Every Phaser shot they fire, he just repels the beam with his blade. Come on. Do it. You already stole the entire look of Boush the Bounty Hunter from "Return of the Jedi" and called them the Breen. You already passed the point to where Lucas would have sued you. You damn cowards.

I want to see Tucker duke it out with lightsabers with the evil alien on Dagobah for the fate of the cold virgin princess.


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