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1-2- Broken Bow
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11- Cold Front
12- Silent Enemy
13- Dear Doctor
14- Sleeping Dogs
15- Shadows of P'Jem
16- Shuttlepod One
17- Fusion
18- Rogue Planet
19- Acquisition
20- Oasis
21- Detained
22- Vox Sola
23- Fallen Hero
24- Desert Crossing
25- 2 Days & 2 Nights
26- Shockwave 1
27- Shockwave 2
28- Carbon Creek
29- Mine Field
30- Dead Stop
31- A Night in Sickbay
32- Marauders
33- The Seventh
34- The Communicator
35- Singularity
36- Vanishing Point
37- Precious Cargo
38- The Catwalk
39- Dawn
40- Stigma
41- Cease Fire
42- Future Tense
43- Canamar
44- The Crossing
45- Judgment
46- Horizon
47- The Breach
48- Cogenitor
49- Regeneration
50- First Flight
51- Bounty
52- The Expanse
53- The Xindi
54- Anomaly
55- Extinction
56- Rajiin
57- Impulse
58- Exile
59- The Shipment
60- Twilight
61- North Star
62- Similitude
63- Carpenter Street
64- Chosen Realm
65- Proving Ground
66- Stratagem
67- Harbinger
68- Doctors Orders
69- Hatchery
70 - Azati Prime
71 - Damage
72- The Forgotten
73 - E2
74 - The Council
75- Countdown
76- Zero Hour
77- Storm Front 1
78- Storm Front 2
79- Home
80- Borderland
81- C-12
82- The Augments
83- The Forge
84- Awakening
85- Kir'Shara
86- Daedalus
87- Observer Effect
88- Babel One
89- United
90- The Aeanar
91- Affliction
92- Divergence
93- Bound
94- In a Mirror Darkly Pt 1
95- In a Mirror Darkly Pt 2
96- Demons
97- Terra Prime
98- Trip Dies in Riker's Holodeck!

Enterprise Characters
Breakdown of who's who.

Enterprise Actors
Breakdown of who's ugly.

Star Trek History
Quick summary of what came before.

Detachable Saucer
Classify this under "What If?"

Letters
What other people think.

Voyager "Endgame" Review
Their last episode. Our first review.









Enterprise review: "A Night in Sickbay".
(Episode 31)

Reviewed by Richard Whettestone.
Enterprise

THE PREMISE: Everybody gets horny. The ratings drop.

"A Night in Sickbay"
Written by Rick Berman & Brannon Braga
(the usual suspects)


Tucker Then he farted, and it like stunk real bad, you know. Then the Ambassador like grabbed his nose, then I like grabbed my nose, you know, then the Ambassador started waving his hand to blow away the smell, then I like was trying to get to a window you know, and like...

In "Minefield", Reed was going to tinkle in his spacesuit. Earlier we learned that Producer Brannon Braga thought some first season episodes were "poopy". In this episode, the dog tinkles on some trees, then Archer threatens to tinkle on the trees. And now after finding out Archer offended the aliens again, Tucker asks Archer if he ate some cabbage before he left, implying he farted in front of them.

Yeap. This is the mind set of the Enterprise Producers. Pee-pee, poopy and fart jokes. Watch the Ratings Fall!!!!!


Tucker Do I make you horny, Baby? No? What do you mean No?!

They head down to get some rare and hard-to-find plasma injectors. So they DON'T take the Engineer? Or ANY Engineer. But they take T'Pol and a dog?


Tucker But we just had that fixed! Er, wait, I mean, yeah they're really worn out. Look!

They were JUST at a repair station that repaired the whole ship! Even if you count the damage they sustained trying to escape the station, that doesn't explain the worn out plasma injectors.


Archer with Phase Pistol They're called Phase Pistols. They have two settings. But it's my dick I'll be using to piss on your trees.

Archer is absolutely baffled about how he offended the aliens. But yet when T'Pol finds out and explains it to him, Archer goes maniacal and doesn't care, making threats to pee on the trees himself. The writers suck.


Janeway If you don't release Tuvok and Neelix I'm going to piss all over your stuff.

I just wanted to point out how this would have looked and sounded if Voyager was written this way.

But then the Kazons did want some water.


Sisko If the Dominion Fleet comes through that wormhole, I'm going to personally piss on your Changlings!

Let's Rock and Roll!


Picard If the Romulans cross the Nuetral Zone, I'm gonna piss!

Potty humor was what made The Next Generation such a great show.


Kirk Spock, you attempt to mindmeld with that rock creature. If that doesn't work, I'll just piss all over it.

Gene would have been proud of the quality writing that still sustains Star Trek to this very day with "Enterprise".


Pike If you Talosians don't let me out of this cage, I'm going to piss all over you! And because I'll be angry when I piss, you won't sense it coming!

Captains threatening to piss on you or your stuff is a Star Trek tradition, dating back to the unaired pilot.

Wasn't it?


Twenty-Four It's 10:58PM? Quick, Captain, Keifer's got to stop another assassination attempt on Senator Palmer's life! Oh, wait...

This episode went out of its way to point out the time on the bottom of the screen, even though nothing really vital or time sensitive was taking place at all.

Then when Archer is in Sickbay and falls asleep, a fade-to-black showed that a passage of time (several hours) took place before Archer re-awoke, but the time stamp on the screen was suddenly now missing. Make up your mind. Is it important or not?


Jolene Blalock Do I make you horny, Baby?

Interestingly, Archer had NO hints, clues, fantasies or illusions concerning T'Pol or even sex with anybody until AFTER Phlox repeatedly brought it up.

While the writers, who (Surprise!) also happened to be series creators Rick Berman and Brannon Braga, want us to believe that Phlox can double as a psychiatrist and knows the crew better than they do, instead they're giving us the illusion that it's actually Phlox who's forcing these thoughts on Archer due to his constant harrassment of the subject.


Scott Bakula Do I make you horny, Baby?

Instead of wasting scene after scene on sweaty people rubbing decon gel on eachother (that's not sexy, that's stupid), it would have been better to have a montage scene of Archer entering Phlox's hospital and taking up residence, copying scene-by-scene the opening of "The Odd Couple" while the Odd Couple music plays in the background.


Brannon Braga Comedy? What do you think this is, an entertainment show?

It would have been funny if when Archer layed down on the Bio-Scan bed to take a nap, he hit the wrong button and the bed slid him into the wall socket. Instead he layed down on some other bed.

While we're on the subject of comedy, it was funnier in the preview when Archer mispoke on the bridge and we saw the crew reaction.

Interestingly, while the scene in the preview was edited to look like it was on the bridge, the actual scene itself played out in the sickbay, while the reaction shots of the crew on the bridge were taken from other episodes, including the shot of Reed who in this episode was ONLY seen in the dream sequence. Besides lying with yet another misleading preview, the joke was then played out one step too far when Archer started babbling about T'Pol's lips.


Linda Park Do I make you horny, Baby?

Some of the best scenes on "Star Trek" were between Kirk and Yeoman Rand. With the possible exception of when Kirk's transporter duplicate attacked her, many of the only 13 episodes she appeared in included great scenes comprised of just glances, difficulty in finding the right words to say and holding eachother during a crisis.

And even though B&B insist that they want to recapture the magic of the old series, instead of this and the drama and conflict that comes with it they decide to focus on the equivelant of Kirk and Spock and force some type of sexual tension there, even though they already had established Tucker and T'Pol in Decon before, as well as Reed having fantasies about T'Pol and commenting on her nice bum (which isn't so nice). With Archer convincing Hoshi to stay onboard when she wanted to leave, and Archer being her guide to how to fulfil her job, it could have been realistic to have Archer and Hoshi together - if written right (meaning NOT written by B&B). It was after all Hoshi who had to work with the Captain and the aliens the most, while T'Pol wasn't even necessary to the story at all.

Instead what we have is the hottest woman on the ship (Hoshi) alone and forgotten, while every man onboard is slobbering all over T'Pol, an ugly whore with a boy haircut who looks like someone punched her in the mouth and starved her for two weeks.


T'Pol in Bed Do I make you horny, Baby?

The transition to Archer's dream just came out of nowhere. Then when the dream shows Archer at his dead dog's funeral, it leads to sex. Huh?


Reed Do I make you horny, Baby?

It's getting more and more difficult to sit through an episode of this show without falling asleep. They're dumbing it down further and ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz.


Mayweather Do I make you horny, Baby?

Oh yeah. I forgot. I'm not in this episode.


Again.


Phlox, Archer & Porthos Only Twenty-seven dogs were killed during the filming of this motion picture.

The dog didn't move!!!

For thirty minutes!!!

You killed him!!!!!


Porthos Ka-Chingggg!!!!$$$$

It appears they used more than one fake dog for this episode. But they looked real enough that I can't understand why Paramount doesn't officially license them as stuffed animals or replicas or something. When Clinton was in the White House, they made stuffed "Socks the Cat" animals that sat on your couch. When "Family Affair" was on, every girl bought a Mrs. Beasley doll. "Enterprise" sucks, but even I'll take a stuffed Porthos.


Braga and Berman "This is our best episode yet."

"Only we know Trek best."

"We deserve another raise."


I hate these Bastards.


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