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62- Similitude
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89- United
90- The Aeanar
91- Affliction
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93- Bound
94- In a Mirror Darkly Pt 1
95- In a Mirror Darkly Pt 2
96- Demons
97- Terra Prime
98- Trip Dies in Riker's Holodeck!

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Detachable Saucer
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Voyager "Endgame" Review
Their last episode. Our first review.









Enterprise review: "Acquisition".
(Episode 19)

Reviewed by Richard Whettestone.
Enterprise

THE PREMISE: Ferengi show up, gas the crew (off screen), and try to steal the Enterprise's loot. Archer sees the Ferengi. T'Pol sees the Ferengi. And Trip sees the Ferengi. Then the rest of the crew wake up and they all see the Ferengi. Then the Ferengi go home without anybody asking who they were.

"Acquisition"
Teleplay by Maria and Andre Jacquemetton
Story by Rick Berman & Brannon Braga
(the usual suspects)


TPol and Trip in Decon
I'm staying in Decon. It's safer in here.

Where did Trip go that caused him to be placed in Decon? I didn't see any lunar surface.

If Trip was placed in decon because he retrieved the Ferengi object, why wasn't the Ferengi object placed in Decon? They were both in the same place.

Why was the Decon room so much larger and roomier than previously seen? It looked like a gymnasium now.

Why was the Ferengi object ONLY being analyzed by T'Pol? Nowhere near her was there ANY Engineers. Why didn't they wait for Trip? She couldn't wait 20 minutes for the assistance of the Chief Engineer?

How come in the past we either saw Trip in his uniform, or with no shirt on, but this time in Decon he's got a T-shirt on?

If Trip was on the lunar surface, wouldn't he have had a spacesuit on? Why do you need deconamination if you were wearing a spacesuit? If it was that bad, again, why wasn't the object deconaminated?

At what point did the Ferengi manage to detect the Enterprise and have time to place them into a trap without they themselves being seen?

How did the Ferengi lure Enterprise to the alien object on the lunar surface?

Why didn't Trip have a uniform waiting for him outside of Decon?

Why doesn't the Decon room have an emergency door handle? Trip had to get electrocuted by hotwiring the thing to open the door.


Quark My what big ears you have, Grandma.

Of all the alien species we have seen on Star Trek, how many had big ears? One. The Ferengi. Yet once again we are given a scene where the Ferengis are shocked or surprised at other races, in this case humans and vulcans, having such smaller ears.

Shouldn't finding all these races with little ears have been common place for these guys by now?


T'Pol Well, I feel naked.

For some unexplainable reason, the Ferengi were NOT disgusted this time by females wearing clothes.


Gold Bars
Here's a Gold Pressed Latinum Bar. Go buy a clue.

In the future, gold can be replicated, as has been established numerous times, including the communicator badges being made out of gold, and the Voyager episode that established that Fort Knox has been locked up because of its worthlessness.

Because gold can be replicated, this is why the Ferengis use a similar substitute - Gold Pressed Latinum, which apparently, can not be replicated. Yet in this episode the Ferengis strive to obtain Archer's gold bars. Huh? Why didn't they just replicate 100 gold bars and tell the Ferengi to go screw off?


That's because we each carry a personal cloaking device.

A lot of fans have complained about Enterprise encountering the Ferengi so early, knowing that official contact wasn't made until TNG's "The Last Outpost". Even with DS9 establishing Quark having been on the station (then known as Terok Nor) for many years earlier, plus Picard's battle with a Ferengi vessel at Maxima, clearly the Ferengi have been out there for awhile.

But Quark on Terok Nor and Picard's battle at Maxima were just a decade or two earlier. This episode instead goes to the extreme and ridiculously pushes the Ferengi contact back by several centuries. Can someone explain how a race, who strives on trading with multiple different races, can survive centuries through the time periods of Archer, Pike, Kirk, Decker, Harriman, Garrett and into Picard's time before first contact is even made? Come on Producers, even Bigfoot was caught on tape.

Ferengis


T'Pol I'm a Vulcan. Don't get logical with me.

With all the contradicting character actions B&B have been writing over the years (Janeway's occasional killing sprees come to mind), who would have ever thought it would be clear when T'Pol acts out of character. Yet here it is.

She awakes to find herself in the shuttlebay with unconscious women and Trip in his underwear, but instead of naturally knowing something was wrong, she examines Trip up and down until he informs her something is wrong. Where was her line: "Obviously there is something wrong."

Then she taunts Archer with the key to the handcuffs. With Archer role-playing about their being gold onboard, and Trip role-playing that he was married to Hoshi, and T'Pol herself role-playing that she was a slave, she didn't even need to acknowledge Archer's comments about her. How many times was Kirk locked up and Spock taunted him? Never.


Ferengis
Quick! You grab the lip collagen. And I'll grab the boots made out of poop.

The Ferengis planned so much ahead that they were able to drug the crew of the most powerful vessel in Starfleet, but once onboard and with a dwindling timetable before the crew re-awaken, they waste time unbolting chairs and loading up on Pecan Pies.

Whatever.


Engineering
All it needs is a Holodeck and we got it made!

In "Civilization", Archer never encountered a civilization. He encountered a village. This episode once again blatantly screws up the title. Acquisition? More like AcquisitionS - plural - as in more than one.

Now what if we wanted to make the title actually accurate. What one single item exists that the Ferengi could attempt to steal that would both make the title fit and be dramatic. Something that clearly is worth it for the Ferengi to steal. Something that would be a greater threat to Archer and gang than Mayweather missing his chair. Something like... oh I don't know... let's say... the Enterprise?

Although I think something would have to be done with the airducts.


Waldo I found Waldo, but I can't find the Ferengi homeworld.

The name Ferengi was already heard in "Dear Doctor". I pointed out in that episode that Archer was too stupid to even ask for a description of them. Now here we are where he not only gets to meet them in person, he learns about the Rules of Acquisition, learns several of them, has their gas cannister in his pocession, recorded images of them on the security monitors like the one Trip used to see them on the bridge, dozens of eye witnesses, a report to both Earth as well as the Vulcan High Command, has personally been on their ship, etc, etc.

There has already been more than enough information to start building a database for not only who these aliens are, but for many of the other aliens they have yet to encounter. But once again it all is thrown away. Nobody asked Trip what the aliens looked like in "Unexpected" prior to the viewscreen contact. Archer didn't ask about the Ferengis in "Dear Doctor". It's not only exploring these alien races that COULD be exciting, but building up a database of races that you KNOW are out there somewhere and you haven't a clue where.


Quark and Rom
Been there. Done that. Worn the T-Shirt.

A Ferengi who's good at what he does. A stupid relative who's paid less than he deserves. And he's open to human suggestions and ideas. There's one in every bunch. Didn't we already cover this on Deep Space 9?

Now what if none of the Ferengi's were dumb? Would Archer be able to outsmart a normal Ferengi? Apparently the writers don't think so, because they went out of their way to place a dumb one in Archer's proximity to give him a way to escape the situation. As soon as we learn which one was the dumb one, it wasn't much of a surprise when he was then placed with Archer. And by then, we already knew how it was going to end.


Tucker I don't dare go into Reed's room. He has it booby trapped.

In TNG's "Starship Mine", Picard is stranded on the Enterprise with aliens. To fight them, he breaks into Worf's room and borrows some weapons, notably a crossbow.

In this episode, Tucker is stranded on the Enterprise with aliens. To fight them, he breaks into a nameless crewmember's room, borrows some clothes, and gets dressed.

Don't tell me Reed doesn't have a private collection stored away. Even Geordi had a Phaser in his room.


Daniels By the way Captain, in case I die, you better lock my room in case some Ferengis break onboard.

The Ferengis are SO thorough in their search for the vault, they manage to overlook the ONE room with a lock on it and not even try to break in.


Braga and Berman Because we get paid to lie, that's why.

In order to calm the continuity fears of the fans, first reports on the internet by the Producers of the show was that only Trip would see the Ferengi and never learn who they were. This was backed up by Brannon Braga at a convention when he said all the crew would be knocked unconscious. Then a leaked portion of the script confirmed that Archer would meet the Ferengi. The previews then also showed that T'Pol would meet the Ferengi. Now the episode flat-out ends with the entire crew awake and blatantly watching the Ferengi as they virtually tour the ship returning everything they tried to steal.

And how exactly does this NOT violate canon concerning first contact with the Ferengi in TNG's "The Last Outpost"? Can we just ignore all of this because Archer was so stupid he never once bothered to ask what they were called? Even when he had them at gunpoint? Sadly, this comes the same week that it was revealed Berman just signed on for another five years with Paramount at an 8 digit salary. In case you don't know what that means, Berman just got paid a minimum of $10,000,000. And that's not counting all the extras he gets paid like co-writing stories like this one. Don't Paramount know the fans want him and Braga fired? He must be sucking on somebody's dick.


Archer with Phase Pistol
They're called Phase Pistols. They have two settings. "Stun". And "Don't tell me the name of your race".

Even after I handcuff you to your bridge and at gunpoint.


Reed and Archer I've asked Phlox to relieve you of command.

They captured our ship, drugged our crew, stole all my weapons out of all fourteen weapon lockers, and even stole my precious babies, er, I mean, my torpedoes, and you didn't even get their name? You suck!


Hoshi Sato
That's Mrs. Tucker to you.

After Trip and Archer role-play and make some jokes about Trip being married to Hoshi, this episode was crying out for Trip or Archer to close the episode with a reference to it, such as Trip calling Hoshi "honey" or something, followed by Archer laughing, and Hoshi confused.


Reed and Mayweather
I'm telling you, something's got to be done NOW!

They drugged us, boarded our ship, stole all our weapons, damaged Engineering, messed up the bridge. I mean, it was a bloody mess they caused. Trip tells me one of them had an energy whip that knocked him out, and Archer wouldn't let me confiscate it. Trip said Archer wouldn't even let him look in their Engineering. Hoshi said Archer wouldn't let her talk to them or learn their language. And Archer just let them just waltz on home. He didn't even find out what their name was, even when he had them at gunpoint. I'm telling you there's more to this than what he is telling us. I already have Trip and Hoshi behind me. If enough of us worked together, we can take this ship and our missions will actually make sense. Are you with me, Travis?


Admiral
Excellent. Archer's latest report is in.

My God! These aliens captured the Enterprise, drugged the crew, beat up the Captain, ripped up Engineering, stole all their weapons, stole some torpedoes, and tried to sell all the female crew as slaves, including our Vulcan liasion? And Archer didn't even get their name?

Oh crap! He sent a carbon copy to the Vulcan High Command, too!


Vulcan Official Captain Archer has sent us a report? How fascinating.

Let's see here.

"Dear Vulkan Hi Comand. Just 2 let u kno some nameless big-eared aliens drugged us stole our powerful weapons but we got them back but they tried 2 sell are women as sex slaves also your Vulcan T'Pol but shes okay and they also tried 2 take my dog but I got him back 2 so everythings kewl. Trip told them he was married to Hoshi and TPol rubbed their ears and pinched ones neck until he fell asleep. Keep an eye out 4 them. I don't kno what they are called tho. Hope u find them. See ya - Archer."

I see it's time to declare war with the humans.


Brannon Braga
But if I wrote it intelligently, I wouldn't have understood my own show.

Alternate Ending: Trip lures the Ferengi into an Escape Pod (instead of just an average room where T'Pol phasers them) and ejects them, while the fourth Ferengi manages to leave Archer handcuffed to the wall. He escapes in the ship, picks up the Escape Pod with his buddies, and takes off running. Because of the already-established damage they did to Engineering, Enterprise can't pursue. By the time the crew awake and repairs are done, the "unknown aliens" are long gone. Archer then finds Porthos in a crate that was left behind.

This would have eliminated the bulk of the continuity problems that this episode indelibly created. And best of all, it all made sense. Engineering was already damaged. Archer was already handcuffed. And Trip already lured them in a room. That's probably why the Writer's missed it. Because it made sense.


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